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"Though coverage is quieting down, the upheaval is not yet close to resolution. A refresher: Darren Wilson is still in hiding, Eric Holder is investigating the Ferguson police for “routine” racial profiling or excessive force, and public fundraising efforts for Wilson have been shut down, after raising almost half a million dollars, due to the anonymity of each page’s founder."

A Ferguson Refresher | The Hairpin

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"

Earlier, I offered you a black bean and goat cheese quesadilla and flirted shamelessly. Now, as you reach for a baked brie tart with pecans, I’m talking about inflammatory bowel disease and Ayn Rand.

When you ask me where the bathroom is, I tell you on 79th and Riverside, which is your address.

I excuse myself to go check on the baby even though I haven’t been fertile for a decade.

"

Signs I Want You To Leave My House After I’ve Hosted You for Dinner | The Hairpin

LOL! Ah, Hairpin, I’ve missed you… Sorry I’ve been neglecting you for Tumblr.

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"

Alf had gotten the keys to Armani’s pen one night in October.

"Arghhh!" he bellowed, fumbling with the chain. He couldn’t find the right key. "Ack!" The trenchcoat was slipping off his back, and he was losing his balance on the groundhog’s shoulders.

Finally, the lock clicked, the bolt rotated, and the door swung open. “Armani,” he whispered.

"

Alternate Theories to Explain the Greenwich Anteater’s Immaculate Conception | The Hairpin

One of the funniest Hairpin posts I’ve ever read…! Also, seriously, we have a new (anteater) savior.

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"There was a special, sheepish camaraderie in the early-morning line. We all understood that we’d messed up. Now, filled with humility, we were throwing ourselves on the mercy of the U.S. government. Ron Swanson would have completely hated us."

The Simple Solution to a Last Minute Passport Snafu ($$$) | The Billfold

Chat

The Hairpin: Meditations on 13 Bits of Graffiti in the Ladies' Room at the Pub Trivia Bar

  • Lady 1: [name redacted] has the smallest dick I’ve ever seen on a grown man
  • Lady 2: Baby dick!
  • Lady 3: I concur!
  • Well, it doesn’t seem to be slowing him down any.
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"

Ughhhh I swear I am the worst dancer EVER. (Most of my friends call it “hilarious” but I think they are just being generous and sugarcoating the truth of the matter.)

I sometimes attempt the booty drop but it probably just looks like I’m trying to be sexy while doing squats? Also apparently my “jammin’ to music face” is actually a version of the despised “duck lips” aaaaand basically I just need to stay home, I think.

"

Reader’s comment on The League of Ordinary Ladies: Jo-SEPH | The Hairpin

This almost made me choke!

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"10 Ways to Meet Your Soul Mate by Sitting Quietly on Your Couch"

Unwritten Self-Help Books That Could Have Really Helped Me Last Week | The Hairpin ROFL!

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"andrea disaster
I think I saw this exact list in my SPAM folder.

kayjay
@andrea disaster HA! You know, as soon as I saw the words “SPAM folder”, I immediately thought that it was another word for vagina, like ham wallet, etc. Sorry about that. I felt like I should come clean. And clearly I’ve been on hairpin a little too much these days.

MoonBat
@kayjay
I move to get “SPAM folder” adopted as an official Hairpin colloquialism for vagina!”

LMAO.  If I’d been eating something when I read this, it would’ve gone flying out…

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Kneetoe
Is dying young a plus or a minus in a boyfriend?

Bittersweet
@Kneetoe: A plus, but only if your name is Sookie or Bella.

LOL! via thehairpin

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"Honestly my first thought was “my desk is moving by itself — my DESK is MOVING by ITSELF — MAGIC IS REAL” and was filled with such euphoria I would not have cared even if we were being bombed. It didn’t even occur to me we actually might be being bombed, even though I work a two-minute walk from the White House, because nothing important happens in my building and I am kind of dumb."

Earthquake OPEN THREAD | The Hairpin

OMG…  There may be nothing funnier in the world than east coasters in an earthquake.