Earlier, I offered you a black bean and goat cheese quesadilla and flirted shamelessly. Now, as you reach for a baked brie tart with pecans, I’m talking about inflammatory bowel disease and Ayn Rand.
When you ask me where the bathroom is, I tell you on 79th and Riverside, which is your address.
I excuse myself to go check on the baby even though I haven’t been fertile for a decade.
Signs I Want You To Leave My House After I’ve Hosted You for Dinner | The Hairpin
LOL! Ah, Hairpin, I’ve missed you… Sorry I’ve been neglecting you for Tumblr.
Alf had gotten the keys to Armani’s pen one night in October.
"Arghhh!" he bellowed, fumbling with the chain. He couldn’t find the right key. "Ack!" The trenchcoat was slipping off his back, and he was losing his balance on the groundhog’s shoulders.
Finally, the lock clicked, the bolt rotated, and the door swung open. “Armani,” he whispered.
Alternate Theories to Explain the Greenwich Anteater’s Immaculate Conception | The Hairpin
One of the funniest Hairpin posts I’ve ever read…! Also, seriously, we have a new (anteater) savior.
"There was a special, sheepish camaraderie in the early-morning line. We all understood that we’d messed up. Now, filled with humility, we were throwing ourselves on the mercy of the U.S. government. Ron Swanson would have completely hated us."
— The Simple Solution to a Last Minute Passport Snafu ($$$) | The Billfold
Ughhhh I swear I am the worst dancer EVER. (Most of my friends call it “hilarious” but I think they are just being generous and sugarcoating the truth of the matter.)
I sometimes attempt the booty drop but it probably just looks like I’m trying to be sexy while doing squats? Also apparently my “jammin’ to music face” is actually a version of the despised “duck lips” aaaaand basically I just need to stay home, I think.
Reader’s comment on The League of Ordinary Ladies: Jo-SEPH | The Hairpin
This almost made me choke!
I think I saw this exact list in my SPAM folder.
@andrea disaster HA! You know, as soon as I saw the words “SPAM folder”, I immediately thought that it was another word for vagina, like ham wallet, etc. Sorry about that. I felt like I should come clean. And clearly I’ve been on hairpin a little too much these days.
I move to get “SPAM folder” adopted as an official Hairpin colloquialism for vagina!”
LMAO. If I’d been eating something when I read this, it would’ve gone flying out…
Is dying young a plus or a minus in a boyfriend?
@Kneetoe: A plus, but only if your name is Sookie or Bella.
LOL! via thehairpin
"Honestly my first thought was “my desk is moving by itself — my DESK is MOVING by ITSELF — MAGIC IS REAL” and was filled with such euphoria I would not have cared even if we were being bombed. It didn’t even occur to me we actually might be being bombed, even though I work a two-minute walk from the White House, because nothing important happens in my building and I am kind of dumb."
Earthquake OPEN THREAD | The Hairpin
OMG… There may be nothing funnier in the world than east coasters in an earthquake.
Is this where Californians can point and giggle?
@thebestjasmine Giggle all you like, but our Eastern buildings are made of bricks and Protestantism and cannot stand up to earthquakes and WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.”